Property or Parenting First? What to Know When Your Ex Says "Parenting First"

There's a sentence we hear over and over. It turns up in a legal letter, or across the kitchen table while you're both still living under the one roof, or it gets dropped into a mediation about four minutes after everyone has sat down.

"I'm not discussing property until parenting is sorted."

It sounds official. It sounds like somebody, somewhere, wrote it into a rule book. And if you're the person on the receiving end, the one who can't pay the electricity bill while there's money sitting in an account you can't touch, it can feel like the whole thing has been taken out of your hands.

In Episode 331, Mum and I sat down to unpack it. Whether the order genuinely matters. Where property and parenting actually overlap. And the eight stalling tactics we're seeing turn up again and again at the moment.

There's a lot in it we can't fit into a blog post, but here's the general lay of the land.

Does the order actually matter?

Lyns answer was pretty blunt. Not much, and it depends on your own case.

That surprises a lot of people, because most of us assume property and parenting sit in completely separate boxes. They mostly do, but not entirely.

Broadly speaking, in Australian family law the two connect in one direction more than the other. The arrangements for children can feed into a property settlement: the percentage split, child support, and the question of keeping a roof over the children's heads. It doesn't really run the other way, though. Sorting property first doesn't shape what happens with the kids.

So the only sequence that can affect the outcome of the other one is doing parenting first.

Which is worth sitting with for a second, because it's exactly the sequence being demanded. In the episode we talk about why someone might want it that way, and it isn't always about the children.

If the overlap is the bit you want to understand properly, we did a whole episode on it, Episode 213, The Hidden Connection.

The thing about time limits

This is the part I'd most want someone to hear.

Parenting matters don't run out. You can negotiate, or go to court, about children years after separation.

Property is different. There are time limits, and they're not the same depending on whether you were married or de facto. Mum walks through both in the episode, including the tripwire where the other person files for divorce and a clock you didn't know about starts running.

The general point is this. If someone is very keen to keep you focused on parenting for a long stretch, it's worth knowing whether anything of yours has a deadline sitting behind it.

Can you just do both at once?

Yes. It's normal, and Mum was clear about that.

The court application forms are built for it. There's a section for financial, a section for parenting, and if it's both, you fill in the whole thing. If you're negotiating through lawyers or heading into mediation, both can be on the table. And if their lawyer has only been writing to you about one of them, you're perfectly entitled to raise the other. As Mum put it, and while we're at it, this is what I want for property.

If they've already filed in court about one issue, the response form lets you put the other one squarely on the table too.

The eight tactics we're seeing

The hostage swap. I won't discuss the house or the money until parenting is agreed. Usually with the children as the thing being traded.

The circle walk. Property depends on parenting, parenting depends on housing, housing depends on property. Round and round, and nothing is ever agreed.

The 50/50 care play. Suddenly pushing hard for equal time, from someone who's shown very little interest in it up to now.

The disclosure drip. A page here, a cover sheet there. Looks like compliance. Isn't. If there's a business in the mix, Episode 218 covers the ten tricks we see business owners use, and what to do about them.

The attrition strategy. No single dramatic move, just wearing you down until you'll take anything to make it stop.

The mediation ambush. You arrive prepared for both issues. They announce they'll only discuss one.

The generosity trap. A big, kind-sounding early offer, conditional on you doing what they want.

Weaponised urgency. A significant proposal with a 24 hour deadline attached to it.

A few general things worth carrying with you

Mum offered a power imbalance check that anyone can run today. Picture yourself saying those same ultimatums and conditions and rules to them. If you can't imagine it, that tells you something about the balance you're operating in.

Refusing to negotiate can be a form of coercive control. Insisting on children first, and specifically on 50/50, can amount to coercive control and economic abuse. Coercive control sits inside the definition of family violence, which matters for children's matters.

Interim property distribution came up as the circuit breaker for the circle walk. It's a way of asking for some of the money that's going to be yours anyway to be released now, so you're not negotiating from a position of desperation. Mum's frustration is that so few self-represented people know it exists. We've got a whole episode on it, Episode 191.

And going to court isn't the same thing as going to trial. Filing an application, or even a notice of intention to file, doesn't mean you're going all the way. Mum's point was that behaviour tends to change once a registrar is looking at it. I compared it to kids in a playground versus kids in a classroom. Same kids, very different behaviour.

If you're the one who's exhausted, her tip to anyone worn down enough to accept something paltry was to give yourself a week or two off from thinking about it and then see how you feel, provided nothing time-critical is running in the background.

Listen to the full episode

There's a lot more in the episode than we can cover here, including the rapid fire round where Lyn answers the questions we get asked most, a section on sequencing depending on the kind of ex you're dealing with, and some specifics for people already in the court system.

🎙️ Episode 331, Property or Parenting First? Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and YouTube. Search The Divorce Course Podcast.

Episodes mentioned:

• Episode 213, The Hidden Connection: Custody Battles & Property Splits in Divorce
• Episode 191, What Your Lawyer Might Forget to Tell You: Unlocking Funds Before Property Settlement Is Final
• Episode 218, Business Tricks in Divorce: 10 Sneaky Tactics to Watch Out For and Outsmart

All our best,

Laura & Lyn Your Guides By Your Side Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

Everything here is general education about Australian family law. It isn't legal advice and it isn't a substitute for it. Lyn is an Accredited Family Law Specialist with over 35 years of experience, but she isn't your lawyer, and none of this has been written with your circumstances in mind. Every case turns on its own facts, and the law changes. Please get independent legal advice before making any decision about your matter.

This post discusses coercive control, economic abuse and family violence. If you're in immediate danger, call 000. For confidential support, 1800 RESPECT is available 24/7 on 1800 737 732, and Lifeline on 13 11 14.